Six Months

  On July 9th I celebrated 6 months sober.

   I am still on the road to recovery and it sounds like I will always be on that road. Interesting fact, I quit smoking 18 yrs ago, I can't tell you the exact day, I didn't need to attend meetings and therapy, I didn't need to find God, I just read a book and by the end of it I was done smoking. No recovery program no long term group and individual therapy, just a book and the actual desire to quit. Only alcohol seems to have such a strong hold on me that I need help almost on a daily basis to not drink.

  At 6 months I still deal with residual health issues left over from abusing alcohol, but they are minor and are easily handled. The damage I did to my heart was a shocker, but even that is repairable with time and exercise.

     I don't exactly crave or want a drink daily, but I do deal with the " you can't" on a daily basis. My personality is one that actually craves whatever you tell me I can't have or do. The more I am told No the more my mind says YES!

  At 6 months I am armed with the knowledge that one drink will never be enough. For me there is never enough and death or being locked up are the only ways I will stop if I have that " It's only 1 drink what can it hurt" drink. Picking up is a death sentence for me, in so many ways and not just to my health or the damage the alcohol would waste no time on inflecting.

  So at 6 months I go to the meetings with a much more open mind and a willingness that surprises me and my friends. I enjoy the hour of being me and letting my guard down without worry of judgement or embarrassment. 

  I am still working the steps, I am still on 4,5, and 6. I have a need to understand things, to know exactly what is expected of me, and for these steps it has taken me some time to figure all that out. I believe I now have it figured out, at least enough to move forward with them and to be able to do them fully, correctly, and honestly. 

   Honesty, I think while the only requirement for AA is the desire to quit drinking, the most important requirement for the steps is to do them honestly. Without that there is no point. Most of the steps are between me and my God so no one would ever really know if I didn't fully do them, but lying to myself is only going to lead to a drink that trulyI don't want.

  Spiritual awakening, not exactly sure I have experienced  that, I hear about it a lot, and I understand the concept, but I wouldn't call what I am going through a spiritual awakening. My God as I understand him, is my Creator. I believe the power is there and around us at all times, I have no concept of what my Creator looks like, I like to imagine it is in the trees, sky sun, moon, and the earth we walk on. While I don't believe I have had the awakening, I have forgiven, relented, or given up my resentment of The Creator. I have finally asked for help and forgiveness for all the damage I have caused. 

  Step 4

    Made a searching and fearless Moral inventory of our selves.

   There are chapters explaining this step, and there are opinions galore about how to handle this step, all of it confusing the bleep out of me, until the day I sat down by myself and just read the step itself, without explanations, or opinions. What seemed so daunting now just seemed simple. I had a few months back started a list of my faults, defects, whatever you want to call them, but it seemed so frivolous and self serving in a way that wasn't helpful I stopped writing the list. To be perfectly honest it was frivolous and much less than honest. On the list I had all the obvious faults, all the expected faults, but not the real ones not the ones that deep down actually make me a less than a stellar person, nope those I was holding close to my chest. Not because I wanted to keep them, but because I didn't want to admit to them.Resentment, that was my biggie, my I am never giving this up(step 6) defect. If I admitted I held resentments of others, no matter whose fault the resentment stemmed from, then I would have to give up the resentments. I would have to let them go and live my life without them, and somehow I wasn't sure I could do that. Come to find out, admitting it and letting them go is easier than it sounds. 

  Step 4 is an on going step, a step the requires daily action. It isn't hard once you get the hang of it and for me getting past my past is making it easier for me to live a life of peace and contentment. Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying everything is perfect now and life is all chocolate and sunflowers, but the unburdening of resentments I have held for years has indeed allowed me to breath easier and to move forward. Living life with a strong sense of right and wrong and knowing I am doing my best to make the right choices each and every day, does let me stand taller, walk straighter, and find a contentment in my life I haven't known in a good long while.

 That brings us to step # 5. I have really only done a portion of step 5. Except to a certain extent I have just made a bit of headway into the step. Simply by admitting here that my biggest fault or moral imperfection is holding resentments against others,I am working step 5. True not exactly as the step is intended, but this writing has actually made understanding step 5 a lot easier.

 Step 5

  "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." 

    So a confession of my sins right? Maybe, I guess, I really don't know. What I do know is I have talked to my Creator, and in doing that have also admitted to myself exactly how I am wrong, to the best of my ability.

  Finding another human being, that is where I falter. I have confessed so to speak to my therapist, but somehow I don't think that counts. For one your therapist isn't going to keep you honest, and they will explain and excuse away every moral defect you bring up. Finding the person that will listen, keep you honest and at the same time understand is the trickiest part of this step. For some it is a priest, or someone they will never see again, for others it is their sponsor, or just another friendly face in AA, or even a complete stranger, for me other than my therapist I am still hesitant to let my secrets go. I know once I do it will be like ripping a dirty old bandaid off and letting a wound see the light of day and heal, but still I resist.

Step 6

  "We are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

 I am ready at least part of my brain tells me I am, but the other part is pulling on the reins going hold your horses, ole girl, until you completely, honestly and freely do step 5 you are not ready. The other part of my brain the part that is always in a hurry and just wants to get things finished, pouts but agrees and shuts up. Yes you truly never want to be inside my head, not even for a minute, it is always chaotic and confusing.

 Just because I have stalled on these steps, doesn't mean I have been sitting around just waiting for the journey to come to me, oh no I have been getting out there and finding the journey. As corny as it sounds it has been a delightful journey full of challenges, changes, discoveries, and a new sense of freedom I have never known.

  I volunteer in both the groups I call home groups, for different activities and when they let me I speak. My favorite of course is going out and speaking it is a very satisfying way to give it away. When I speak I don't prepare, I just show up and speak, so what I happen to be feeling or living through is what you get, to me that is giving it away. 

  I am very much enjoying myself being sober. I will never understand the pull of alcohol and being drunk, because I hated the out of control feeling, the lack of being able to do the simplest task and worse of all the total lack of memory. Even now I thank Netflix once in a while for reminding me I already watched that movie in 2019. I still watch it anyway and it is like watching for the first time. I do know I enjoyed the blackout, the curtain slowly coming down blocking out all the anger, hurt and pain I held on to like a shield, but now even that seems like something out of a novel that I would read and say, why would I do that to myself. Yet somehow with all that knowledge and a few months sober, I know if the timing was just right and I wasn't on my guard I would pick up drink and never look back.

  Alcohol - Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful, without help it is too much for me.

   For today, I am grateful, Sober, and my journey will continue.