Living Life

   

 It is the end of October and as always the month was jam packed with stuff. Rehearsals, board meetings, Witch walks, Bonfires and the best of all our Honeymoon get away.

   This year we had 4 days for the honeymoon.  Wanting to stay close and not spend much time traveling. Bill found a campground just far enough outside of Lancaster that we felt like we had left civilization behind, but not so far out we couldn't find a store and a restaurant if we wanted. 

Our cozy cabin for two was set on a small lake over looking working farm land. Behind us was the constant sound of horse pulled carriages and wagons. 

It was like stepping back in time in some ways without the hustle and bustle of modern day life. 

   I asked for a quiet, hassle free, stay in one place kind of get away and that is exactly what I got. We kept things as simple as possible. Cooking our meals over the fire, collecting eggs for breakfast from the local chickens, and quiet nights by the fire. In general just chilling.

 We went for a drive or walk everyday, enjoying the local habitats and parks. 

Our biggest outing was an honest to goodness hike. Round trip the hike was about a mile and a half, not all of it easy going either, but it was worth it. 

The over look view was amazing. We were able to see just about everything that was around us. The farms are so intriguing with how neat and organized they seem to be. Some of them were like carbon copies of one another, while others were as different as night and day. Yet they fit in perfectly. 

 We didn't do any tourist like things, or go into the city, hell we even came home without having bought a souvenir to mark the occasion. Our memories and my photos are just going to have to do. Happy 20th Anniversary to us! 

    Before we left for that wonderful weekend away, we actually went out after dark.  We went with friends to the biggest and for us the only bonfire of the year. It started out to be the windiest day of the month, but nature decided to play nice and when the  time came to light the fire the winds died down and the Fire Marshal gave the okay. Before anyone could change their minds about that, the fire was lit. With a big Whoosh that pile of brush and trees caught, lighting up the night sky and warming us right to our bones. It was just what the Dr ordered, relaxing fun and full of laughter. 

Life for me has been just as I like it to be, busy almost chaotic, and even though I do like it  that way I do need, the step back, slow down time I get from  little get aways  and adventures like the one we just had. Bill and BowD enjoy these retreats almost as much as me. I think?

  As I mentioned I have rehearsals, but this time I have one line to remember and at most 30 seconds on the stage. I didn't write this play so I am not directing the play and have very little responsibility towards it. Outside of showing up each day for 2 1/2 hour rehearsals I am pretty much responsible free.  

 With such an easy rehearsal schedule I had time for the other things I really wanted to do. Like the 2nd annual Witches Walk. This year there were more Witches, witching to the music. With a lot more children lurking in the trees, playing games, stealing candy, and playing tricks as they should be.( none that are pictured here for their protection)  While next year I hope to make this event even bigger and better. I have to say it was a grand time, and it brought nothing but smiles to everyone that came out for the fun.

All of the Witches photos were taken by friends of mine that are amazing behind the camera. Dean Martin and Daniel Slipp.

  I am hoping for gentle weather in November with lots of sunshine and color. I have a few walks planned out with my camera. I hate going alone and I really miss Jill at this time of the year. I miss her all the time, but now is the hiking  with your camera season, and there was never a better partner than Jill when it came to getting lost in the woods. We were the start of "Two blondes in the woods" jokes for sure. As much as I don't like going alone, I hate missing the opportunity more. Fingers crossed for a gentle November and peaceful trails.

                           Happy Halloween!

    May it be  SPOOKTACULAR , with lots of wonderful treats and no tricks.

    

The never Ending Journey

  In 19 days I will have 9 months sober. 

   What a difference 90 days can make. I truly didn't believe I would care or be excited about the 9 month mark. I was wrong.

   A few things have changed in the last 90 days to change my attitude. Small things, things most people wouldn't notice, but for me they are mile markers for sure. 

   Let's start with my belief that I wouldn't want to celebrate the 9 month marker for sobriety.

  I am almost as much ashamed of the marker as I am proud. I had 3 1/2 years sober under my belt and I just had to push the envelope. I tell people I just wanted a drink and nothing was bothering me, but really that wasn't true. I was an unhappy sober person. There wasn't a part of life that even thrilled me a little bit, except the chances I got to sneak a drink. So instead of saying and celebrating 4 1/2 yrs of sobriety, it is with tongue in cheek I admit I am 8 months sober quickly approaching the 9 month mile marker. This is why I didn't believe I would celebrate 9 months sober. Being proud of 9 months wasn't in my monthly planner, but neither was the subtle shift to actual honest happiness. 

At 6 months I stood up got my coin and made my little speech about how great it is to be sober and how happy I was. Most of my speech was true, I had some very happy days in that time, they were just few and far between.Working on yourself can be painful as well as back breaking time consuming work. Making it hard sometimes for the happy to shine through.

  So at 6 months I stood and said happy things, even if I didn't believe them all. I talked about my creator, and my belief that the creator has been there the entire time, I didn't talk about the anger I had, and still have with the creator, the confusion and the down right refusal to believe the creator will keep me sober. I kept that to myself and shared it in my IOP group.

       I don't pray, I do talk to the creator but I don't pray. I spent to much of my life praying, begging for help, for the pain to stop. Those prayers went unanswered for far too long for me to ever believe in a God that guides your every step.

    That being said I believe in a creator, I believe in right and wrong, good and evil, and the freedom of choice. I also believe it is my choices, not God or his neglect that led me to the life I have now. The bad, the good and the ugly, are all mine. The pain and shame I experienced at others hands was their choice and I WAS powerless to stop them. When I hear "God's will not mine" I have a boat load of questions. How do you decide what is his will and not yours?  Is it his will that a drunk or otherwise handicap person slams a car into a Mother and child leaving the child dead and the mother forever injured as well as heartbroken? Whose will was that? What good did that do? Oh, it got some poor fool to get sober because they finally hit rock bottom? Then if I stand back and look at this, it was God's will that the drunk got sober, and the young mother pay the price and  suffers the rest of her life. Nope I can not wrap my mind around a creator like that.

  If I have a higher power that effects my daily life, guiding my steps towards a happy and sober life. It is a group of people that are present in every sense of the word whenever I need them and even when I think I don't. 

There is a creator in my world, but that creator is too too busy controlling his elements to worry about the day to day lives of tiny little specks that are hardly even visible in this vast universe we traverse. As for the afterlife and my lack of complete faith. Well hell, I have my hands full maneuvering the life I am living right now. I can't be worrying about what I don't know, and what I hope I don't have to face for a few more decades, now that I am beginning to really understand what a happy life is.

    I am afraid to admit to being happy. No I don't want to be sad, or hold on to the darkness that has surrounded me for so long, actually that is what scares me. If I admit I am doing good and experiencing more happiness than not, I am terrified the universe in all it's humor will come along and take me out at the knees. I don't walk around moping and pouty faced all the time but I also don't go shouting from the roof tops that I am having the grandest day or that I seem to be well on my way to living my best life. What, fate and karma don't know won't hurt them.

The signs  of a changing life are there for anyone that cares to look. Some subtle, some  not as much, but, they are there none the less. For starters I cry less, a lot less. I can talk about subjects now without any of the drama, that use to have me on my knees in pain and tears, but even better, I don't seem to need to talk about those subjects anymore. I no longer am showing up at events and tuning out. If I am there, I am completely there, paying attention and taking an active part.  Honestly I now leave if I don't want to be there, or simply don't go if it is something I don't want to do. The over the top happy, the constant need to be doing, the need to be around people, to be accepted and to be needed every minute of the day, all of that is becoming less, comfortably less. It isn't as if I am giving anything up, it is as if I am becoming comfortable in my own skin, and leaving behind things that just don't fit anymore. 

  At 9 months, do I have all the answers? Absolutely not. Do I still struggle with wanting a drink? Absolutely. Is the fight against alcohol easier? Not always, but more often than not saying no is more satisfying than the thought of saying yes. Am I still depressed? Yes, just not as deeply or darkly. This, like alcohol will be a life long battle. One I hope I will always have the strength to fight. Am I satisfied with where I am on my journey to a sober happy life? Yes, yes I am. 

Over the Moon about Flowers

  

         It is still early in the summer season, but not the flower season. In fact I missed my chances at more than a few flowers that popped in the spring, but I have been on them since the sunflowers and cone flowers popped. 

     One thing I did get to see and catch with my camera was a turtle laying eggs. I never went back to see if I could catch them hatching, but then again I was lucky just to see this part of natures miracle happening, so theres that.

           It has been moon season too. Awesome skies and Moons bigger than life itself. I have mostly let them go by un photographed as well this year, I mean how many moon photos can you take. Turns out at least one more. I had the chance to join a group at the beach to watch the Strawberry Moon come up, and I took it.

        While we waited for the moon, and it took it's sweet ole time raising too. I didn't let my camera sit idle. There was a sunset, ruff surf, water sprays and surfers to keep me busy.

           Let's not forget the birds, it wouldn't be a shore trip if there wasn't at least one SeaGull photo. There are a few shots here, and I have to tell you catching all the different breeds of the bird is fun, a damn good way to distract yourself while waiting for the real show.

      I am over the moon about flowers, but I have to admit I do love the moon just as much.

 I hope you have a great day and an even better week.