My Journey Step 2

   I am ashamed before the earth;

   I am ashamed before the heavens ;

  I am ashamed before the dawn;

  I am ashamed before the evening twilight;

  I am ashamed before the blue sky;

  I am ashamed before the sun;

  I am ashamed before that standing within me which speaks with me.

  Some of these things are always looking at me. I am never out of sight.

  Therefore I must tell the truth.

  I hold my word tight to my breast. 

        Old Torlino Navajo priest of "hozonihatal"

               Step 2

   "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

   Sober, that is how I want to live my life. Sober happy and as well adjusted as I can possibly be. Turns out I can have all that, I am told as long as I do the work. 

  Part of that work is the 12 steps. Everyone knows about them, even if they don't know exactly what they are and just exactly how important they are to a recovering alcoholic. I am an alcoholic and until recently I really didn't realize how important the steps are in successfully recovering and staying recovered from this most dreaded disease. 

 So I am going to do the work. The first step to admit you are powerless and your life is unmanageable. I have done that. When it comes to alcohol I have NO power, it calls I run.

  Step one was easy really. There is no denying my addiction and my inability to manage it. The second step is so much harder. The higher power, and the free use of the word God were sending me into fits of confusion and worry. I am not sure I believe in God as organized religion presents him. In fact I know I don't believe in that God. I have many reasons but there really isn't any reason to go into all that, sufficed to say I was afraid I was going to fail before I even got started. 

  Thank goodness for people in both AA and my IOP classes willing to have these conversations with me without being insulted or running out of patience. Everyone had their own opinions and many were different, but one message kept coming through, even if I was having a hard time grasping it. " Your higher power can be anything you want or need it to be" Door knobs and light fixtures have been used as examples of things that could inspire someone. " God as you understand him" is also used a lot in helping people understand this step and others.

  Nothing was making sense to me. I simply don't believe there is a God watching our every move. Sitting up in the heavens looking down going " Okay today Tom is going to FAFO, and then in a week or so I will save him from himself" or " Okay Joan is going to not pick up a drink today."  If you think about it, for those that believe in the bible and organized religion, they can't believe God is guiding their every move either. Since it is taught that God gave everyone free will, and the knowledge to know right from wrong.

  As you see, this "believe  a power greater than me can restore my sanity" is really something I am/ was struggling with.

  Struggling, that is until today. There was no way a door knob or anything like that would be a higher power for me, but I want a higher power, I want a way to have faith and find joy in it. I want the contentment I see in others who have faith in something and believe that faith will see them into the sober life they want to live. 

   You gotta love a shower, a nice hot lazy shower. I get some of my best ideas in the shower, I really do. Today was no different, I was enjoying a slow  un rushed hot shower. My mind was wandering no where in particular, when out of no where it hit me, I knew my higher power, I always knew my higher power, it has been with me all along. I had just forgotten, I had gotten so far from myself and my own beliefs that I forgot just how good believing can feel. I jumped out of the shower wrapped a towel around myself and ran into the living room and my shelf of books. I was so afraid I had gotten rid of the book that was more like a bible to me than the bible ever was. I hadn't, it was there on the shelf. As soon as I put my hand on that book I felt the contentment, the ease of pressure in my chest, and the realization there is a power that truly can and will help me live a sober sane and manageable life.

  The book, "American Indian Prose and Poetry " The Winged Serpent An Anthology 

  Edited by  Margot Astrov.

 This book is full of stories of different Indian tribes and stories of their beliefs as well as songs of praise and prayers. 

  The book isn't actually my higher power but a tool to help me walk beside and talk to my higher power. To remind me to be thankful and grateful for all that Mother earth, father sun and Grandmother moon give us. Most importantly to remind me the creator of all good things created me too. I'm a part of this world and I don't have to fight this fight alone. 

 Step 2

 I have come to believe there is a power greater than me that can and will restore me to sanity.