BLAH BLAH BLAH

     Blah blah blah, what can I say. I am bored so bored. Sewing is fun, games can be too, but that can't be all there is to every day. 

          I think about what kind of job I could be doing that I would enjoy, be good at and wouldn't kill my body on a daily basis. I look around at all the things I have training in and I know I am no longer meant for those jobs. I don't have the strength stamina or even the desire to do those jobs, I don't have the temperament for those jobs either. I look around while out and about and see managers standing around with coffee cups in their hands doing nothing while others struggle around them to get the jobs done even with being short handed. It just isn't for me, I would be fired almost before I got hired, and truthfully being fired would be the high light of my day.

   My last experience with Wawa was enough to say ordinary labor jobs are not for me. I hated every minute I was back with the company. It wasn't the same Wawa that I remember at all. Angry, cold, un reachable managers, short staffing on every shift, unreasonable expectations of the general staff, and a general lack of knowledge of what the company is actually doing to itself and its staff with all the changes and not just the keep up with the Jone's but beat the Jone's attitude , make Wawa no joy to work for. People stay for the stock option and a few other benefits Wawa is known for but the company isn't the same easy company to work for it once was, and I am just not the same person anymore either.

 Being retired sounds heavenly and I would so love to just be there, to be able to say " Why yes I am retired" without feeling a ton of guilt. I do  though I feel guilt, as if for some reason I don't deserve to finally sit back relax and just do and live life to its fullest at my own pace. Money is always going to be an issue and truthfully I don't think there has ever been a time in my life when someone wasn't asking me about money. You know, how you going to pay for that, do you have the money for that, the rent is due, blah blah blah.I don't imagine that money will ever not be an issue.

  I spend so much time thinking, wondering, pushing my brain to its limits trying to figure out just what my next calling will be and I get nothing. Nada, zip, zero, not a single thought or idea comes to mind. I know what I don't want, I am very clear on what I don't want, I just can't figure out what I do want.

  I am paralyzed with fear about SS and medicare, I do mean paralyzed, I know I have to make up my mind and get a plan in action, but every time my mind goes there I panic. SO many people have yelled at me about SS and medicare that I have no idea what to think other then to be afraid. No one seems to be able to just talk about the subject, the passion gets so intense they always end up yelling. Those that don't yell have so much information and it just keeps pouring out of them like water over a fall, leaving me pulling on my hair feeling dumb and even less informed than when I started. 

 Blah blah blah ! that's all I hear when these subjects begin their  dance in my head. No one said old age would be a picnic, but they sure as shit didn't give a hint of just how mind bending entering into the golden age was going to be.

   I wake up happy every day to be here sober and alive enjoying what every new day will bring, but I would enjoy it more if I could turn my Blah blah blahs into actual answers and actions, allowing me for once in my life to relax and just live without questions, demands, and guilt.

 I love to shop, and I am good at it, finding the best deals, knowing who sells what and where. Personal shopper has often entered my thoughts as a possible career path for me. Maybe 25 yrs ago or even 30 yrs ago when I had the original though and every store didn't have on line shopping with delivery, it would have been a good idea. Now I am not so sure.. There are some specialty areas I could delve into like last minute lulu's and those that really can't deal with on line anythings. These thoughts lead to more thoughts and those lead to others and before you know it I have thought myself right out of the idea dismissing it as stupid, lame, out of date, and impossible to get started. Then the thought, as it has for the past 30 yrs comes back and nags at me again. Like it is right now.

  Flowers, photography, quilting, hiking, and dancing, a few of my favorite things, and when a dog bites or the bees stings I do just think of these and things really aren't so bad..... and then reality hits and again I 'm sad. Sad because I can't figure out how to turn any of those things into a living that allows me to have an income and not begin to hate the very thing I love.

  As I said blah blah blah,, and blah. It gives me a headache just thinking about it. What do you do when you're too old to actually start a career, too poor not to have one and too young to actually want one. How do you work and keep your freedom all at the same time? 

  I know I am not alone. Not the only person whose retirement wasn't planned from the day they were born, who worked hard all their lives and did everything expected of them. Only to find themselves in the tuff spot of having no real turn to make or path to take, of just needing to keep trudging forward hoping that soon very soon the answers will come, and the blah blah blah in their head will turn into a bright and cheery 

      Aha, I got this!

  When I started writing this I had hoped that by the end I would actually have a Aha moment . It didn't happen but I did find a new font and a new text color that both bring me more joy than they should, so it wasn't an actual waste of time.