The ,journey continues.

  Yes my journey is still journeying. I got stuck on the 4th step of my 12 steps, still stuck actually, but not stuck on my recovery.

   The 12 steps and a higher power aren't the only way to help yourself get and stay sober. No there is also the part that I think is as important if not more important and that is the service work.

   I have done a few things, but nothing large scale. I have done a month of greeting at one of the meetings I attend. I actually had a lot of fun doing that. So far that is the only meeting that even has a greeter. I think the greeter is a nice touch and really does help those unsure or afraid to go ahead and come in and give it a try. 

  I chaired one meeting in April on my 90 day anniversary. I have signed up to chair a few meetings in May, and I even stepped up to be the monthly speaker for the meeting. It will be interesting to see what I come up with to say. I never pre write or prepare for these things, I feel off the cuff is more real, more me. Either way I am excited to do this, nervous too.

  At the business meeting I volunteered to go and speak at a rehab next month. This is something I have been looking forward to almost since leaving the Haven. You don't get paid, you don't get anything, except the satisfaction of knowing you may have reached and helped at the very least one person. And some how it seems to help you too. 

 Ever since I attended a speaker meeting in rehab that had me wanting to punch walls and kick doors down. Had me in tears, slamming doors and hiding in my room, I have wanted to become a speaker. I don't know what I will say at any given time, but I know what I will never say. I learned a lot that day, and I plan to use it. 

   My journey has been an emotional one to say the least. I'm guessing that means I'm on the right road. In the big book it mentions often that newly sober people are emotional. I am at times more emotional than I want to be. The words basket case do come to mind more often than not.  

  I often describe this journey as a roller coaster ride. I have very big highs and even bigger lows and like a rollercoaster there doesn't seem to be any in between. You are up or you are down, or worse you are being twisted around and upside down with no idea of how you will land, up or down. Todays roller coaster car seems to have come with brakes, weak ones to be sure but brakes. I was at the top of the highest peak of the ride, I could see everything, and it was wonderful, no sunshine and rainbows shooting out my bum, but still wonderful. Then very gently my car started to rock, I noticed it but brushed it aside like I hadn't noticed, the rocking it got less gentle, and I could no longer ignore I was about to go one another of those unwanted and unfun rides. I hate these rides, I shake, I can't breath, I cry, and I make stupid choices. I simply don't know how to stop it, to keep my car at the top or at least near the top. I just don't want to be at that place where I would rather the shades be pulled down and darkness abound. I am not a fan of that place or the person I am in that place. At this moment in time I seem to be slowing my car down, I am not plummeting, I am getting a chance to look around and see where the ride I am on is going. Still scary but so much better than the free fall, with a hard landing.

  Looking forward to the service work has slowed my car down I am sure. Asking myself some hard but real questions, and answering myself has helped the brakes grab hold too. The real trick would be to get my car to level out, no up or down. As boring as that may sound to some, to me an emotional balance would be heaven on a popsicle stick. 

  This past month has been an interesting and challenging month over and above the emotional rollercoaster. I have caught myself more than once reaching for a drink I saw sitting on a table. Craving almost drooling over a bottle of something I really don't care for. Just last night I found myself sitting in the parking lot of a church debating if I was going to go to the liquor store or go to AA. I went to AA. The what I want to do, and amount of sober time I need to do it, won out over the self pity and destructive behavior that is my alcoholism. I sat at the meeting admitted to the room I was just about to drink rather than come to the meeting, and I left with a happier heart, a stronger will and more services to look forward too. Services I can only do if I am sober. 

  There are those that gate keep service work, putting unrealistic time limits and terms on the services, so no newly sober person can achieve them. Those gate keepers deprive others from a very important ingredient in helping people to get sober. The reasoning behind gate keeping is often selfish and prideful( a word I never in a million years thought I would ever use.) they truly believe only they are good enough for these services right down to reading certain parts of the big book. Disappointing and as frustrating as this is, I can't change it, so, I need to accept it. With a grain of salt to be sure but accept. Accepting doesn't mean I am without options, because I do have choices, I can choose to make a scene, or sit quietly and stew, or I can choose other meetings where the gate keeping isn't an option. As you have already read I do have meetings where supporting the new comer is key.

  This journey is changing me, and at times I am rebelling against that change. I am not always happy being the nice one, the calm one, the one at fault. That last one about being at fault is my biggest rebelling point. I am not always at fault. At times yes but not always. I am allowed to be angry, hurt, or disturbed, not always but there are times when those emotions can be mine. Resentment, we been talking about this one for a while now in some of my different classes and it is the one emotion I understand why I am better off letting of anyway I can. I am going to say I am still working on this, but improving.

  As I said the journey continues, I am growing, learning, and changing, and even on this rollercoaster of emotions I am beginning to enjoy my life the way I have always hoped I would.

  118 days sober, thank you for joining me on this journey, it makes it easier to know I am not alone.