In 19 days I will have 9 months sober.
What a difference 90 days can make. I truly didn't believe I would care or be excited about the 9 month mark. I was wrong.
A few things have changed in the last 90 days to change my attitude. Small things, things most people wouldn't notice, but for me they are mile markers for sure.
Let's start with my belief that I wouldn't want to celebrate the 9 month marker for sobriety.
I am almost as much ashamed of the marker as I am proud. I had 3 1/2 years sober under my belt and I just had to push the envelope. I tell people I just wanted a drink and nothing was bothering me, but really that wasn't true. I was an unhappy sober person. There wasn't a part of life that even thrilled me a little bit, except the chances I got to sneak a drink. So instead of saying and celebrating 4 1/2 yrs of sobriety, it is with tongue in cheek I admit I am 8 months sober quickly approaching the 9 month mile marker. This is why I didn't believe I would celebrate 9 months sober. Being proud of 9 months wasn't in my monthly planner, but neither was the subtle shift to actual honest happiness.
At 6 months I stood up got my coin and made my little speech about how great it is to be sober and how happy I was. Most of my speech was true, I had some very happy days in that time, they were just few and far between.Working on yourself can be painful as well as back breaking time consuming work. Making it hard sometimes for the happy to shine through.
So at 6 months I stood and said happy things, even if I didn't believe them all. I talked about my creator, and my belief that the creator has been there the entire time, I didn't talk about the anger I had, and still have with the creator, the confusion and the down right refusal to believe the creator will keep me sober. I kept that to myself and shared it in my IOP group.
I don't pray, I do talk to the creator but I don't pray. I spent to much of my life praying, begging for help, for the pain to stop. Those prayers went unanswered for far too long for me to ever believe in a God that guides your every step.
That being said I believe in a creator, I believe in right and wrong, good and evil, and the freedom of choice. I also believe it is my choices, not God or his neglect that led me to the life I have now. The bad, the good and the ugly, are all mine. The pain and shame I experienced at others hands was their choice and I WAS powerless to stop them. When I hear "God's will not mine" I have a boat load of questions. How do you decide what is his will and not yours? Is it his will that a drunk or otherwise handicap person slams a car into a Mother and child leaving the child dead and the mother forever injured as well as heartbroken? Whose will was that? What good did that do? Oh, it got some poor fool to get sober because they finally hit rock bottom? Then if I stand back and look at this, it was God's will that the drunk got sober, and the young mother pay the price and suffers the rest of her life. Nope I can not wrap my mind around a creator like that.
If I have a higher power that effects my daily life, guiding my steps towards a happy and sober life. It is a group of people that are present in every sense of the word whenever I need them and even when I think I don't.
There is a creator in my world, but that creator is too too busy controlling his elements to worry about the day to day lives of tiny little specks that are hardly even visible in this vast universe we traverse. As for the afterlife and my lack of complete faith. Well hell, I have my hands full maneuvering the life I am living right now. I can't be worrying about what I don't know, and what I hope I don't have to face for a few more decades, now that I am beginning to really understand what a happy life is.
I am afraid to admit to being happy. No I don't want to be sad, or hold on to the darkness that has surrounded me for so long, actually that is what scares me. If I admit I am doing good and experiencing more happiness than not, I am terrified the universe in all it's humor will come along and take me out at the knees. I don't walk around moping and pouty faced all the time but I also don't go shouting from the roof tops that I am having the grandest day or that I seem to be well on my way to living my best life. What, fate and karma don't know won't hurt them.
The signs of a changing life are there for anyone that cares to look. Some subtle, some not as much, but, they are there none the less. For starters I cry less, a lot less. I can talk about subjects now without any of the drama, that use to have me on my knees in pain and tears, but even better, I don't seem to need to talk about those subjects anymore. I no longer am showing up at events and tuning out. If I am there, I am completely there, paying attention and taking an active part. Honestly I now leave if I don't want to be there, or simply don't go if it is something I don't want to do. The over the top happy, the constant need to be doing, the need to be around people, to be accepted and to be needed every minute of the day, all of that is becoming less, comfortably less. It isn't as if I am giving anything up, it is as if I am becoming comfortable in my own skin, and leaving behind things that just don't fit anymore.
At 9 months, do I have all the answers? Absolutely not. Do I still struggle with wanting a drink? Absolutely. Is the fight against alcohol easier? Not always, but more often than not saying no is more satisfying than the thought of saying yes. Am I still depressed? Yes, just not as deeply or darkly. This, like alcohol will be a life long battle. One I hope I will always have the strength to fight. Am I satisfied with where I am on my journey to a sober happy life? Yes, yes I am.
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