More of my Journey

  Not everyday is sunshine and rainbows. In fact more than a few days are cloudy and unclear. This is true for just about everyone, but even more so for an Alcoholic.

  I'm on step 3 of the 12 step program, and I am struggling with it. This is one you maintain rather than say or do once and it is done. So I am taking my time figuring it and my higher power out. I know my higher power, I am just not good at the daily prayers or trusting anyone to guide me into a better life, even a higher power.

   So today I am not sharing how I have done step 3 because I am not there yet. Today I am going to share what no one ever talks about. The day to day when you are alone with yourself. I want to talk about the BIG let downs. The sadness, the self loathing, the questioning and most of all the loneliness.

  Yes more days are good and up, then aren't, but no one talks about the hard days. They come up without warning and smack you like a wet towel across your rear. Sometimes it is barely noticeable and others sting for a minute while others feel like they are going to leave a bruise and the sting last for days.

  For example, last night was the dance. For months I had been looking forward to getting back to it. Last night I did get back to it. I hated it. It was nice hugging and seeing friends I only see at the dance, it was fun dancing, it was easy not to drink, well until the Jello experience was announced to be open in the kitchen. I stayed on the dance floor, but I saw the line into the kitchen and I was tempted, but I just kept dancing. Still I hated it, deep, actually not so deep down I was just empty. It felt like I was on the outside looking in, like I didn't fit anymore. I smiled, I pretended, I laughed and acted like it was all perfect, I kept on keeping on, but I was very happy when it was time to go home. That is what I call a big let down. 

  I have noticed this time around my perky is missing. It is like eeyore has come to visit and doesn't want to leave. 

 Again I have to say not everyday is like this. In fact most days aren't like this. It is just there are those days. No real explanation as to why and certainly no warning, they just happen.

  It seems the best way to handle these kind of days is to let them happen. Remind myself these days don't last forever. Most importantly, push through them the best I can. Even small things like going outside, or writing a journal can be enough to help bring me to the end of tunnel and back into the light. Most importantly I can't give in or give up. That would mean my life would be over.

 Like snowflakes no two alcoholics are alike. We all share some of the same experiences, some of the same pit falls, we even share some of the same shame, but we aren't all alike. We all have different stories to tell, reasons we drink, and what we feel inside, (what we pretty much don't tell) is different for each and everyone of us. Even how we handle the disease is different for each of us. What works for one won't work for another and so on. For me I once drank to chase the high, now I drink to escape, to die without actually dying. 

  I have once or twice made the attempt to just end it, it seems I am not really willing or ready to end my life. I am just not willing to give up yet, but I don't seem to be able to stop the thoughts from coming unwilling into my brain. That is my journey, my trial, my hump to get over, not every alcoholic deals with those kind of thoughts, because they drink for totally different reasons and have their own thoughts. To be sure though every alcoholic is fighting their own demons on a daily basis. 

  I have no real answers, all I can do is try. Today my demons are very loud inside my head. I can tell you it makes concentrating hard. It is also extremely annoying. Making me less than pleasant to be around. 

  Tomorrow will be better I am sure, and if not tomorrow the next day. The saying is "One day at a time", for me I prefer "For now". So for now I will stay sober, get off the couch and do something even if it is something as dull as getting the floors mopped. Anything to drown out the negative thoughts, and that let's me get back to actually living my life.

 Everyone has bad days, it is a part of life. For alcoholics bad days are a trap. Bad days can lead to bad choices. Only if you let them, only if you let them.