I don't know!

  I cry a lot. I hide it most of the time, smile pretty for everyone to see, but I don't feel it. I dance big because thats what I normally would do, but I don't feel it. I laugh but I don't feel it. I am surrounded with friends, but I don't feel it. I don't scream, but I feel it, I don't stop breathing but I feel it, I don't kick and punch everything and anything but I feel it, I don't stop living but I feel it. 

   How do you live through this? If my child ever did that to me I don't think I could live. It hurts we know but just try not to dwell on it. It will be okay, you'll get over this. All things I have heard when I even dare to mention the pain I am in. I also hear, It's okay you go ahead and cry. I understand your soul has just been crushed. At least there are some in my life that understand, or at least try to. Still I know no one actually understands, how could they it didn't happen to them.

  To one day wake up and find that your child doesn't love you and probably hasn't for a very long time, is to say the least a very big shock. The bigger shock is when you realize this didn't just happen all of a sudden but over time, and you saw it happening. That is why I feel so much shame, not all the BS things my son and his wife say about me and the past, but that I saw this coming and I denied, ignored, simply didn't want to believe my son would betray me like that, and I did nothing to prevent it.

  I accepted the excuses, the lack of answers to phone calls and text. I accepted the sarcasm and insults disguised as jokes. I accepted the neglect. I accepted it and made excuses for it. 

  At holidays when people would ask about my son and his family, I would smile big and talk with pride of all the things I knew he was doing,( things I was only aware of because of social media) and things he had accomplished, and then I would make excuses of why he wasn't there, or why I wouldn't get together with him until months after the holidays were over. I would never mention that he was busy celebrating the holidays with friends and family that didn't include me. I kept the hurt inside because to say anything meant I was playing the victim, everyone said so. 

  I knew, I felt it, big as rock hanging around my neck. Little things that I ignored or laughed off, told me exactly what I didn't want to hear. Things like, meeting in the parking lot of a local mall to pick up my granddaughter to babysit, because my house was too far for my son to drive. My Granddaughter telling me I really wasn't her Grandmama, I am just a nice old lady that takes care of her, and her daddy said she should call me that to be nice. Asking if we could celebrate Christmas and my Birthday together so he would only have to come to my house once a year. Borrowing money and never paying it back, not even trying. So many other times where his lack of caring was just so clear, and I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see it and even if I had I wouldn't believe what my eyes are telling me. Funny no one else saw it either, had it been a man not my son treating me like this everyone myself included would have seen it believed it and we certainly wouldn't have ignored it. 

  When he said Mom don't come drop Easter baskets off for the kids,( on the curb) I have been exposed to Covid, pretending concern for me and my age. I knew it was BS but I gave him the space and threw the Easter Baskets in the trash. 

  When he had me come to his Birthday party 2 hours before it actually started, bring food for the party, and then leave with my Granddaughter before the actual party, I did speak up I did ask why I was being excluded. I knew the answer already I just didn't want to know. I also just gave my son more ammo to later on use as proof that I am a crazy toxic jealous old lady that ruined his life.

 I could continue on with example after example that I should have seen this coming, but writing just this little bit has me angry and crying and angry. It didn't matter what I did I was losing, that was or is the writing on the wall, it didn't matter, his mind was made up that I am a villain in our story and always will be.

  So now I fight inside myself, I try not to dwell on it, but it wakes from a sound sleep, it actually stops me from breathing, drops me to my knees, no not to pray but because the pain is unbearable. I want to scream and never stop screaming, but I can't, I want to punch something anything, but I can't, I want to forget, but I can't. I can't forget, I can't just go on, I can't let go, and I can't stop dwelling on it. My first thought in the morning and my last thought at night is my son, my family, my very reason for being. So I fight inside myself everyday. 

There are so many voices trying to be heard in my head, the loudest being " it is all your fault, you did something wrong, you should be ashamed of yourself." Only to be followed by the ever faithful " why me what did I do wrong?" Then there are the call him text him, just reach out to him voices, that I never listen to because he doesn't want me to do that, and that is the other voice, the voice so afraid of ruining any chance of getting my family back it makes me too scared to move. I even have a bully voice that tells my scared voice to go sit down because I am never getting my family back. I hate that voice but I suspect that voice is the only one telling the truth. And then comes the practical voice, this one tells me don't do anything to burn bridges, and make sure to leave a door open but it is time to move on. Again another voice I suspect is telling the truth, only it isn't telling me how to move on.

   You see this isn't some guy that isn't good for me that is hurting me, it is my SON. I can't let go and walk away. I can't brush my hands off and say enough of that and just move on. It is impossible to just let go, to forget, to not feel, it is just impossible not to love them anyway.

    The conflict inside of me is gut wrenching and exhausting. Is this all my fault? Will I make it worse if I stay silent? Should I just bang on his door and have it out with him? Should I just give up? I did my job didn't I ? And so much more, my mind just won't stop, as soon as I focus on something else and find a moments peace, bam there it is again screaming at me, always screaming the same thing over and over again. This is your fault, you are a failure.

  People, my friends talk about and share on social media the things and time they spend with the kids and grandkids, and all I hear in my head is "you are a loser, a failure, God my heart hurts." If I do happen to say anything out loud everyone gets quiet and drops their heads not even looking at me until the moment passes. I hear it and feel it loud and clear their silent blame, the question they don't ask out loud, what did you do wrong? Their embarrassment for me. So I do try not to say anything ( I haven't been very good at that lately) I just put my head down in shame and let the moment pass. 

  One person said and then stopped themselves mid sentence that they didn't know how they could live if that happened to them. Honestly I don't know how I do either. Ending all this is never far from my mind that is the truth, but when I say my prayers I thank the lord for allowing me to live another day, and I realize everyday is another day to hope.